Tell Me About It: Ignore his flirty friend if relationship is fine; Boyfriend should stop unwelcome behavior

Dear Carolyn:

My boyfriend has a female friend who makes suggestive and flirtycomments that I find wholly inappropriate.

He agrees with me and says it makes him uncomfortable and thatit's unfair to me, but he hasn't said anything to her to stop it.

I don't want to be the type of girlfriend to suggest he cut offall contact with her, and, frankly, I like her in spite of thesecomments.

What can I say to her that doesn't sound too snarky but gets themessage across that I wish she'd back off a bit?

Washington

You're upset enough to confront the woman, your boyfriend agreesit's disrespectful to you, and yet he says nothing to stop it? Andyou give him a pass? Even though his remaining inert makes him partof the problem?

If you're letting me choose whom to get more worked up about, I'lltake the boyfriend. He owes you more than she does.

That said, my choice of remedies either way is: nothing. Nothingfrom the boyfriend, nothing from you.

Your relationship is apparently happy, solid, and unthreatened byoutside assault, since you don't suggest anything but.

So put the flirt in the proper perspective and ignore her, exceptwhen egregiousness demands that you put her - good-naturedly - in herplace: "Should I be getting you guys a room?"

Hi Carolyn:

What is the etiquette on returning jewelry to boyfriends? He gaveme a pretty garnet ring for Christmas - the only big thing that wason my list (I figured if anyone bought it for me, it would've been myfamily).

We had been together about six months at the time. It's a nicering, but I'm sure it didn't cost more than what I gave him. Anyway,he keeps saying that if we were to break up, he would want me to givethe ring back.

I will if he wants, but is it the same rule with all boyfriends?I'm 21 and he's 25, if it matters. I've had a couple of boyfriends,but I'm his first girlfriend.

Connecticut

Not that you could tell. None of the other details you provide,though, has any effect on my answer. Expected or un-, expensive or in-, old love or new, 25 or 55, Christmas or Columbus Day - a gift is agift is a gift.

Ring: yours. Abysmal manners: his.

There are exceptions. Engagement rings, for example, you return ifyou break the engagement. If the garnet were a family heirloom, Icould also see giving it back.

What I can't see, in any case, is asking for it back, much less inadvance, much much less more than once. Yow. As problems go, his poormanners are trivial compared with his raging dumpophobia.

Please air this by explaining, yes, you might break up with himsomeday (perhaps soon). Yes, he might be the one to dump you. Yes,most relationships end. And humans are mortal, too - but does thatmean he is going through life as firmly and consciously braced forhis inevitable demise as he is for this somewhat-less-inevitablebreakup-to-be?

Suggest he try deep breaths, and taking life as it comes. Andtaking the ring back now, much as you love it, since it's causing himso much distress.

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